Some days are harder than others. . .
For as long as I can remember (from when I was allowed to start dating) I have always had someone that I was either talking with or dating seriously.
I learned, as I became older and slightly wiser, that I was afraid of being alone.
For the most part, I have still managed to have a decent friendship or lack of bad blood with my exes after our breakup. Though you may no longer have an emotional future with a certain person, knowing that they have a small percentage in your life can be a settling feeling.
The fear of being "alone" and not sharing life with someone made so much sense to me at some point in my life. This fear that never truly existed in a logical sense, made me believe that it was necessary for me to have a boyfriend, fling or just someone there! But, there are times when I look back on my life and the relationships and recognize where I could have simply been alone and managed. Forget managed, I could have thrived.
Recently, I went through a breakup. To be quite honest, I didn' see it coming. My signature threat was, "You're stuck with me."
I like to convince myself that everything happens for a reason. At times, it's not a reason that you want to accept, but it is something you can ultimately learn from.
In the past, I have called myself a fighter. I attempted to fight for my relationship but eventually lost. So, for this relationship, I tried fighting for nearly two months (after the breakup). I have learned that once a person decides that they want and need to focus on themselves and wants zero responsibility of a relationship, you can't change their mind.
Which led me to think. So often, I have told myself that, "this is my year of me. This will be when I focus on me." Instead, I allowed relationships or people to distract me from me.
I can't say that I am going to dedicate a full year to myself without dating, or anticipating a healing of my relationship. Instead, I want to take each day as it comes and continue to work on my faith, my Trust in God and rebuilding who I am.
I am genuinely afraid of this journey. I catch myself seeing couples and think, why is this not me? I have to discover and learn Saphia. I have to understand Saphia's singleness.
So, what does it mean to Understand Single?
1. Create Boundaries
It's so important to set boundaries at this point. In the past, I allowed casual dating to be acceptable because I was not in a relationship. But, that is still a distraction. It's okay to have friends of the opposite sex. But, doing things like sleeping over, or going to one another's house after a certain time (alone), or getting physical should be on your boundaries list. This is for you. You have to understand what you want, and sometimes these things can be a major cause of you failing at that.
BUT, one thing that I did think about was what DO I want? I was never a person to say here is my list and if a man does not fit than man begone! However, I think it is important to create a list of standards or desires. This way, once you do start back on the dating scene or if you end up back with your past loves, you'll have an idea of what you really want without having to settle.
2. Don't Be Afraid To Go On Dates . . . Alone
I am famous (in my own little world of me) for going on solo dates. Whether it's taking a solo trip, or grabbing some dinner or a drink alone. I don't think there is anything wrong with solitude. Fill your calendar up with events and things to do on your own time. It's important to discover things you love to do or dislike, by attempting it in the first place. It's also important to have peaceful alone time. So don't overflow your calendar!
3. Make Your Purpose & Intention Clear
This may seem like a weird question, but why are you single? Rather, why are you intentionally staying single? If you don't know why then you will fail. Maybe you want to start a project that you have to dedicate complete focus and relationships have detoured you.
Or, your faith needs a refreshment and your alone time with God is more important than any other distraction OR RELATIONSHIP. Maybe you just need to see what it feels like to ride solo for a while.
Whatever your reason, let it stick. Repeat it to yourself daily.
I will leave you with a quote that I read in an article on XoNecole.com.
"Love and value yourself so that you're not putting yourself on sale for the next man that window shops in your direction."
How do YOU deal with breakups? I'd love to read some comments below!