In a sense, I always got so lost in writing. It has been my go-to ever since I can remember. I honestly don't know what it was or remember how it happened, but writing just stuck with me. It has been my therapy and will always be. You know, like any therapy session (that I have seen on television), it doesn't always go as planned. You're not as open as you wish to be. Sometimes, you don't even take the advice. Other times, you're not allowing your true self to open up. So, that is why writing is therapy for me. Because, even when I decide to write for myself within the walls of my personal diary, I find some parts of me wanting to also share these thoughts with others. That's where the blog came in.
When I first starting writing on my blog, I was writing for myself, knowing that one day someone would see it. I have so many blogs and advice columns type of website in the archives, it's not even funny. I started Life With Saph back in 2014 and I only shared the writings with one person. Myself. I was raw. Real. Open. Transparent. I was everything that a diary needed me to be. My true self.
I say all of this to say that as the time went by and I decided to share my blog, it no longer felt like the therapy session that I wanted to attend. I felt like someone was forcing me to go. I felt like I had to hold back on some of my more pure, raw, honest thoughts. The funny thing is, knowing that many other people had started to read my blog, I didn't take away the previous posts because they are and were reminders of what I felt like and what I was willing to share while knowing that I had no one watching.
I came across a friends blog post and it had me thinking. It had me thinking about life, my blog, friendships, new friendships, relationships and just everything that revolved around me. There was a quote that Valencia mentioned on her blog Efflorescent Memories and it stood out for me. The simplest, most truthful words that sometimes, even I should remind myself of daily. It's interesting if you read her post, how someone's perception of you can make you question who you are partially, or even for some, entirely.
The quote was "Never let anyone's projection of you become your reality."
Let this sink in. Anyone's projection. Your reality. Become.
Words are powerful. They have so much capacity behind them, it can change a life. Words mean everything. I guess this is why I've always loved writing and reading. Of course, actions speak louder than words, but I like to think more people than few have taken up acting lessons at some point in their lives [insert sarcasm] and when you feel the power behind words, you can pull the curtain and reveal its truth.
Never let anyone's projection of you become your reality.
Lately, I haven't felt like my best self. I haven't felt like the joyful, enthusiastic, energetic, optimistic, happy-go-lucky self that I always have been. Of course, I have down moments. I have debatable moments, too. But overall, I know my true self. I know most of the ingredients that are within Saphia Louise. Still, this line sank deep into me.
I am a firm believer that when someone is displaying their discontentment or frustration against someone's character, it is because of a trait or feeling that is not right within themselves. So often, we allow someone's projection of how we are and how they feel we are behaving to be the truth when in reality, it's an underlying issue that they are uncomfortable facing within themselves---so they attack others. Often, not every time. Sometimes we do need to have constructive criticism.
Never let anyone's projection of you become your reality.
Yes, we need to receive constructive criticism from those who care about us. Constructive criticism is something that will benefit YOU and make you a better person. It is not something that will change who you are to fit the likings of another person.
I remember in junior high school, a girl (who later became someone I can call a friend) was head of the yearbook committee. She started a sign-up sheet that was titled "Most Conceited" and everyone would have to fill this form out and put whoever they felt fit the category. She put my name down and had her friends put my name down and then eventually, it fell into the hands of someone who was my friend and the message was relayed to me. This hurt. I allowed her thoughts about who I was to effect my entire being. For years, I held myself back from being who I truly was--goofy, fun, silly, confident--- because I didn't want anyone thinking that I was conceited or anything else! For years, I feared people would think that if I was too reserved, it meant that I was cocky. If I wore sunglasses, I'd look like I was too in love with myself. This note that was passed around became my reality for YEARS. For so many years, that even now, though I've overcome it and faced the reality that it was not true, and if it was SO WHAT--I was CONFIDENT! I have no shame now saying that I am confident. Even in areas that I know aren't my best, I still believe in myself. I allowed this projection of her words to become my reality.
It never stops there. You grow. You meet new people. You engage.
Still, I find that people try to project their feelings on who I am with hidden hopes that it would become my reality.
"You're so defensive" -- so what, I believe in what I am speaking about. why does my stance offend you enough to point it out?
"You're complicated" -- God never created me to be simple and this is who I am. Deal with it.
"You take things too seriously"-- No. I am as playful as it gets, but, this is a serious topic, so yes. You're welcome.
There are so many other ideas that people project on me, I'm sure, and I've come to the point where I can't find myself accepting it. Like I said, we can easily will ourselves to accept or decline someone's feedback, take it for what it is and decide whether we want it to hang over our head for years, or move on.
Sometimes, what someone projects on you does not have to be words. It can be reactions or a response to you upon initially meeting you. We have to understand that not everyone will accept us, but we also don't have to accept how everyone thinks or feels about us.
Whew. For some reason, that felt good to release.
UNTIL NEXT TIME!