God doesn't want anything from me. He has something for me and that is His love.
He asks that I would stop running so that he could love me.
This is actually a powerful line that I read from a book my friend let me borrow. It is called 'When God Doesn't Fix It' by Laura Story.
I was close to 18 pages in and I felt like God had purposely allowed me to leave my book Americanah inside of Edna's bag and urged her to let me borrow this book to read. Since I don't have my other book, I decided to give this a swig and see if I like it.
I'm not too sure what the title is going to represent in this particular book, but I know there's something I will be able to relate to. Specifically pointing to that one sentence.
"He asks that I would stop running so that he could love me."
I've encountered false love. I've experienced temporary love. I've witnessed love that ends. I grew up understanding different types of love and when they were used and their limits.
Still, I struggle with allowing God to LOVE me unconditionally.
See I know this guy who is so in love with me. For me, however, I trampled his heart because his love was overwhelming. It was a love that I wasn't used to and what I considered to be "too much love." So, I ran away it whenever it got too much.
The moment I felt like maybe his love had died down, I would return until it got overwhelming again. A repeated cycle for years.
When I think of the love that he expressed for me, I don't exactly compare it to the love of God, but I relate my reaction to it.
The day I decided to give my life to Christ, and every day following, I fool myself into thinking that I could live a perfect life and God would love me more. No, it doesn't work that way. At times I struggled with asking God for anything because, I know I am not deserving, but I fear that since I am not, I have nothing to give him in return.
But this line in the book reminds me that God doesn't want anything from me to attempt to pay him back. I'd try for years, but I can guarantee that there is nothing I can do to be on his level.
And He is not served by human hands as if He needed anything. Rather, He Himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else.
Isn't it sort of funny that we think we can give God everything. All He wants to do is give us His love. Yet, like my previous situation that I mentioned, I keep running.
There are times when I wonder why I don't hear that still, silent voice of God. Other times, I think that I am just talking to the back of my eyelids as I pray. Yet, When I sit there and really understand that I might not hear God, he might not send me a message right away, an angel isn't going to pop up to verify that God is present for me--but when I sit there willing to accept His love, that's when everything becomes certain.
Accepting His love means loving yourself. Accepting His love means loving others.
If you're like me, I urge you to stop running. There will only be darkness at the end of your road. God doesn't want you to try and prove you're worthy enough to him. We are made right with Him through our Faith in Him. Have so much faith that you do not need to run.