I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'move from here to there' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible-
It has been over a week since my last post. I have been having a rough time mentally these past two weeks. Often times it can be so difficult to keep a smile on your face when knowing that there are troubles inside of you that no one is aware of. I have always been the one to listen to the problems of people, or rather just be a listener. I never really voice what's happening in my heart to people. My way of releasing is normally through my poetry, and as of late, my blog.
I felt lost and began doubting myself. My faith in God slowly started to diminish. It was very painful because I have been at a point in my life when I doubted God and the bible completely. Transitioning to the place I am in life after being saved, I know that I don't want to go back down that level. My trust was being reliant on me and the things of this world rather than trusting in God to direct and guide me.
I was so excited to be going back to school this semester. Last semester I did well, but my goal was to receive all A's this time around. I went for an interview for ELLE Magazine so that I can potentially get an internship. I registered myself for classes for winter also. I was ready to take control over my life and begin my official steps towards my career.
Unfortunately, sometimes the plans we have on our lives are not quite what The Lord has set for us. I received note that I had not received any financial aid for the semester. Apparently, I made "too much money". Sadly, I don't know where that money that I make much of is at.
So I was faced with a choice. Pay for college tuition on my own or take the semester off from school, again.
Within this time of knowing that financial aid had not covered my bill, I decided to go online to look at my credit card statement. In the past, I had put myself into a hole of debt. But, that's another topic and story. With this same credit card that led me to the debt, after paying that off with a collection agency, they approved of me signing with them again. So, I was approved for a $300 credit. Now to many, that's nothing. But for me, I was grateful. I don't think credit cards are the smartest choice, but they can be helpful.
As I was signing on to look at my statement, I noticed that my credit limit went up. It didn't rise up a few hundred dollars, but went up some thousands. I immediately called my mother and raved about how powerful and great God is. The first thought following that was, God put this here so that I would pay for school.
Talk about receiving a blessing and then just walking away from it. I contemplated paying for school with this money. It was more than enough to pay my full tuition. I go to a community school and the tuition is not extremely high, but it's not something that I cared to pay for out of pocket as I have before when I was going to St. John's University.
Long story short, I decided to not pay with this credit card. I don't know why they raised my credit limit, I may have bypassed a blessing that God has sent out for me, but I just trust that He will continue to bless, direct and guide me.
Yesterday was our first day back at rehearsal. We have another performance, well two, coming up in October at Times Square Church. I had been secretly yearning for this day to come. I missed the atmosphere. The people. The community. I felt as though I had formed more than friendships with many of these individuals. To witness the placement God's hands is capable of doing is amazing. Each person and the small testimonies that I was able to absorb from them has placed them in a special compartment in my heart.
We talked and talked. Caught up. Reminisced. Everyone in that room had the same love in their hearts for one another. Derek, our leading man whom the play is based on, took a moment to ask us about anything that has been in our hearts. When you are on a spiritual high, that being the play for many of us, there will be moments when you go crashing down when it's all said and done .The enemy will try to attack you. Satan attacks when you are most vulnerable too.
I revealed that I had been feeling as though Satan was attacking me for the past week or two. Also that I had to de-register from school because of financial issues. This led to many others who were sharing their story, both good and bad. I felt like even though I was so nervous to open up and speak in front of many people, God strategically set up that moment so that the follow ups would minister to me. Hearing the encouragement and Gods word being spread across that room allowed me to remember that even though I may fall, I am able to get back up. God gives me the choice to follow Him, but that doesn't mean that His hand is not always there waiting for me to grab it.
After our meeting, we all continued to catch up. Everyone was naturally spread out into little groups. Some praying in a group. Others casually talking. The group that I was in especially lifted me up. I was surrounded by women who are Strong. Women who are encouraging. Women who seek to live for God and to be used by God.
I took so many things from our conversation, but some things I am especially fond of was:
- You have no idea what God is going to do. God is going to do something so big in your life that you
will not see it coming. (of course, paraphrased)
- God Loves You
- You have a calling on your life. You are going to be used in a way that will reach out and help so many people.
- Trust God
I am that person who wants to record and jot down conversations like those because my brain doesn't always work to the best of it's ability. Fortunately, my heart remembers all that it needs to.
One special thing happened that night. This woman who came in as the make up artist for our cast, and soon became a sister, did something that no one has ever done for me before. Ever.
After mentioning that I had been having financial issues with school, God placed it on her heart to write a check to help towards my tuition.
For me, that was very hard to accept and very rare. I don't have many people doing things for me that would help towards things I may be going through. I will say that I am so happy to be sharing my life with someone that I love because now the ever-growing, continued support from him, keeps me going.
I didn't know what to do when she gave me the check. I didn't want to look at it, especially not in her presence. Nor did I know what was the amount, nor did I care. The gesture. The gesture. Her heart. She found it in her heart to help someone because she has been through situations like my own. And because she is a woman of God. She doesn't know how much she inspires me. I pray that God keeps that woman in my life. Not because I want her to help me financially, but spiritually, mentally and emotionally. I get this sense of genuine love projecting from her. Someone that I can look up to and speak to at any time.
I don't open up to many, but when talking with her, no matter if people are around, I look into her eyes and find this pure woman who will help me to grow and reach my potential.
All in all, I am just grateful and thankful that rehearsal came when it did.