Reflecting

08.06.08 Unconditionally.

Tuesday, August 05, 2014 Saphia Louise 0 Comments
















Tomorrow, August 6, 2014 Six Years


I thought I found the love of my life. Man, God you are so good to me for allowing me to see the light ! I can't thank you enough. My troubled times didn't begin in 2008. In fact, they began around 2006-2007. I went through an entire year of living in a fearful relationship. It's always amusing to me now at this point when people tell women, and possibly men, that they need to "get out of that abusive relationship". Oh, if only it were that easy.

So, I was dating someone who I have known since 1st grade. My elementary homie turned into my high school love. He was perfect. WE were perfect. Although, I lost friendships because of that relationship, I had no cares nor any worries in the world. Eventually, things went sour. Aside from not hanging out with friends as much, I was no longer "allowed" to even look at another boy, dress a certain way or almost even communicate with other guys because he turned into this controlling monster. I don't mean to call him a monster, but I am just being real about how I felt during that time. Whether we were together and I accidentally looked at another boy, or his friends in school told him that I was wearing a skirt that was a little over my knees. LOL When you think about the things that we fuss about as young adults, it's really comical.

But to get to the point, of no return, I allowed him to weaken me. I gave him indirect permission to curse at me, to call me out of my name, to grab up on me, to slap me, to punch me in my stomach, I allowed all of that to happen. I may not be the strongest woman in the world, especially may not be stronger than a man, but I am a STRONG woman. I thank God for allowing that to happen because it opened my eyes. I dare for someone put their hands on me Today. I was afraid for my life. I was afraid for my family's life. More importantly, I feared for his life. I was afraid that he would turn into an even angrier monster who would kill someone or hurt himself badly. I wanted out of our four year relationship for about a year. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wasn't being abused every day, but verbally I was. Most people may not even call my relationship abusive because I didn't come out with marks. Ha ! That's because my skin was made from God and it took a lot more than a few hits to break me down and mark your territory on God's work.

I sat in my bathroom one day crying on and off the phone with him. His threats were overwhelming and I was afraid to tell my family. He happened to be my brothers best friend and they often fought one another because of me. My family detested my being with him. In came the constant battles and arguments with my mother. So, as I am sitting in this bathroom, the door suddenly opens. Here he is. Face full of pain, hurt and overall anger. He closed the bathroom door and because I was so private with our arguments, my family didn't suspect anything. I still till this day do not know who let him inside my house. The conversation is truthfully a blur to me because I try my hardest not to remember that day. Before I knew it, there was a gun to my head. I was in a situation where I never thought I would be and was facing life or death. What would be my sentence. I was not allowed to cry or scream, but to sulk in my own fear that I would dye on my bathroom toilet seat. Something, out of nowhere, told him not to kill me. At that moment in time, I truly did not even once consider that it was God. You want to know what I thought ? I thought that it was LOVE. I thought that he loved me so much, that he couldn't bare to lose me.

In 2008, I gained strength. My best friends mother, may her soul rest in peace, prayed for me. I mean, she prayed for me like no one could ever pray for me ! I cried. I released pain. I was no longer afraid. God "peeka-booed" into my life and was like "See what I can do for you." But, did I give myself to Him during that time? No. I found love all over again. Though it took months for him to accept our breakup, me forcing him to deal with someone else, constant begging and pleading, we finally split in June of 2008.

And that is when I met "him". August 6, 2008. I just knew that there was someone who would love me Unconditionally. I knew that I was worth more than pain. I knew... I knew.... nothing. I immediately fell for his appearance and then we had sexual intercourse. The foundation of our "messing around" was just that, messing around. He made me feel sexy. He made me feel good. He made me feel like he loved me. Time passed, and he suddenly wanted to stop talking to me. This went on and off for a few years. I devoted myself to him. I would be heart broken because I thought that I was in love with him. I wanted no one else and whenever he was ready to take me back, I would come crawling like a infant baby running to food. I was lost. I was so completely absent from the world and present in only his calling. There was belief in my mind and heart that he was who I was supposed to be with Forever. Still, I did not allow God to be the center, I just knew it. After almost three years of on and off dating, he told me that he loved me. Finally, after three years. Ha, I think I'm a little bit more than a 3 year wait to be told I love you. No? Hey, I was grateful. I was on that "N! we made it" mode. This, this was what I needed to hear. We made it official and lived happily ever after. Wrong. The relationship was amazing. It was initially about sex, but it became so much more. I do believe that he loved me. I did at the time believe that we were in love. I lost myself again. I gave my everything to that relationship. I stopped creating, writing and worrying about things that I needed in my life. Don't get me wrong, he would encourage me to continue modeling and such, but I personally just didn't care about anything besides him. I had him and that's all that I needed. 2011, We broke up. Never made an official year. I like to put that work on God because He knew that I was losing myself. I was torn apart, willing to drive off the highway and crash because of him. I had thoughts of myself getting hurt and close to death because I wondered if he would care about me more. I had very bad thoughts. I was in the worst place I could be, especially after our relationship. It took me some time to find myself. I started writing Poetry again. I started living my life without him in mind, but I always failed. I was comparing any new guy to him, thinking that I could not go on without him, stalking his social networks, stalking his new girlfriends social networks, I was on a wild goose hunt. I never believed that I could love again or that I would, nor did I want to accept someone elses love.

And then, I met....Jesus Christ. Wooooo ! There is no better love. Almost a year ago, September 2013, I decided to start talking my walk with God. I grew up in churches, went to some as I got older but nothing was ever like this moment. I truly understood what Unconditional Love was/is. I lost myself in God and felt so good finding who I really was. Nobody is greater than Him and as I continue this walk, I really am so grateful that God allowed me to go into the dark room to see the power of His light. My life may not be perfect to someone on the outside. My life may not be where it's supposed to be, but the beauty of that is that I can keep trusting and believing in God and never allow myself to say "I Have Arrived". Because in reality, I have not yet arrived but this journey can take as long as it needs to as long as I am in His unfailing, loving hands. It was not an easy journey. In the beginning, I was expressing my love for Christ, but not being Christ-Like. Frankly, I was just playing a role. I was convincing myself that if I read my devotionals, read some bible verses daily and pray, that I was in good favor with God. All of those things are good, but your heart has to be in it and you must do all that you can and give all that you are to God. So, through my walk, I will persevere in keeping my faith in my big dawg J.C.

Through all that I been through, most importantly I learned to forgive. I forgave those who hurt me, and myself.


God Can Set You Free From The Prison Of Your Past

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