Reflecting

Love Yourself and Love God

Monday, July 28, 2014 Saphia Louise 0 Comments

It is honestly the most simple remedy to get you through life 




As I have stated previously, I grew up without my father physically in my life. From age 7 and up, my mother raised me. I settled for Daddy's love via letter and via visits to prison. After a while, mommy got fed up with driving three hours just to go see him for an hour, all the while being upset because he's put us all in this position. Then, he was deported. Then, I lost all hope. All hope of ever being able to go to Father-Daughter dances. All hope of my dad protecting me from any boy/man that would ever hurt me. All hope of every physically and emotionally feeling that deep connection that daughters feel with their father. 

I lost all hope of real love. I grew tired of it. My mother loved me unconditionally, but she was no daddy!  I needed his love and couldn't get it. So, I searched for it elsewhere, still, not knowing what to base the love that I desired on. I thought I found love on several occasions. Instead, I found lust. I found hurt. I found pain. I found infatuation. I found all of the wrong things because you know what, I did not find myself. 

Thank God I didn't completely lose the person He created me to be. When I was able to have a boyfriend, after all of the struggle it took for my mother to understand that at some point I would begin dating (I thank her for being so strict and hard when it came to that) I gave my life to them. I had two special boyfriends who loved my heart and also corrupted. I should have known from the absence of my father that another mans love would never last forever. I literally devoted my all to my "lovers".

After my last relationship, in which I nearly lost who I was, I learned a lot and I prevented, no, I forbid myself from ever jumping into a relationship again. Two reasons. When I was with my ex-bf, we weren't officially together at first, the first two or three years. Every time that he was fed up or went all "i don't want this" on me, I would quickly jump to find someone else to keep me from being alone. I never really had alone time. I never really discovered Saphia. 


So, after our official break up, I was done. I was going to discover me. I have been writing poetry since I was approx. eleven years old. But, I neglected it as I grew older. When we broke up, I re-ignited the flame of my passion to write. I told myself that I would never let someone come into my life and love me nor would I love them, until I truly loved myself. 

The outer appearance of someones life tends to seem more appealing than what it actually is. 

I wasn't in love with myself. I found many reasons not to be. I made up excuses why I was never enough. That also made me believe that guys were never enough for me. It took semi-depression and a serious-serious-serious experience in my life for me to REALLY give myself to God. Praising him Sundays and Fridays just was not enough. 

God had to come into my life and say, "Look, Saphia. This is where you led yourself without my guidance. This is where you wish to be. You have not listened to my calling and I am desperately trying to save you. What you are doing, what you have done, and what may be to come dare you not come to me, will hurt you more than you've ever been hurt before. I forgive you. Come to me!!" 

I tell you, that was all that I needed. I didn't want to keep faking my walk with God, but I wanted to actually walk with Him.

So many things happen and change when you love yourself and love God. Things you wished for but was wishing on your own free will to happen, actually start to come to life. Success, happiness, love, friendships, family,etc. Just love you and love God and everything will fall into place. I'm at a point in my life right now that, had you asked me on July 1, 2014 if I would be in this place, I would be like yeah okay!


But, I am here. No, I don't have a million dollars in my account. No, I'm not living in a mansion. No, I don't even have a car. No, I have not even got a degree yet. No, I don't have the best job. No, but I have love and life. I have love and I have a life ! 

It surely can not get any better than that. I am absolutely in love with my life and trust in my Lord to only allow it to get better.

So all that I have been through, all of my struggles, all the people I have loved and those I have hurt; all of my many attempts at trusting God and failing him, all of my doubts of his power; it was all in HIS PLAN. I know now, that His plan is so much greater than my own, so I question NOTHINGNot a single thing is put into question. If God leads me to it, He will bring me through it.

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